Finally, exams are finished! I completed my final two, which were make-ups from when I missed school (the covid chronicles). Although they took up a portion of my week, I still got some classroom days to work. Mostly I spent time gathering various textures for where needed, however I also made this Row 3 logo to be used in the game. We’re pretty much in the final stretches and this will be the last check-in of the year. Aside from this weekend, time to work has come to a close. Ultimately I think we accomplished the necessities and bare minimum, but came to realize how grand of a scope Mountainheart was in the first place. We’re certainly turning in an abridged version of the original concept and gameplay, and it is not as polished as we may have hoped. Between covid and exam interruptions, we haven’t had much face to face time these last few weeks which has made this more difficult; there also hasn’t been much communication outside of class. Regardless, I think we accomplished enough to call it a working game, and even more important is that we have learned a lot throughout development. Summary:
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I was out the entirety of the week with covid and with AP exams rolling by, I have been bogged down on two different fronts. I haven’t found a significant amount of time to set aside for this class or to prioritize our game, especially since it seems like it may not come to fruition in time. In the time I did work, I continued with what I had been working on before; graphics and UI adjustments. I ran into some roadblocks with using Procreate to lay out pieces of the UI and may instead convert to Photoshop. Photoshop is more precise with placements and is better for this type of work such as positioning pieces. I need to work on my time management and hopefully having class time can help boost my contributions. Overall, the game is coming along but it may not be on its feet in time. There was a covid outbreak following prom at school, and AP exams are popping up. It’s crunch time. This is my monthly post ranting about art. As an artist, I have always felt crippled by my own activation energy; in other words, the hurdle of perfectionism and procrastination I have to overcome for starting each new project or idea. It isn't just in my art. Procrastination snipes me in every area of life. It lurks and then shoots its shot, right when I am about to push through. It shoots me to the ground so I can't get up. I procrastinate change in general, and any potential discomfort, while I bask in content - a certain type of conformity in an easy, unproductive life. Sedentary by all means. It is overwhelmingly difficult to trudge through the swamps of low cortisol, sublimated anxiety, and suppressed reality. I have already made myself numb, and all that's left is my longing to recover feeling without the means to do so. How do you get the motivation to overcome the things that weigh you down, when those very things are what hinder you from doing so? It feels like a fool's errand; a futile effort that was set up to be impossible from the get-go. Sisyphean's task. I'm trapped in the paradox of needing to conjure the motivation in order to overcome my lack of motivation. Irony, huh? Where does the motivation come from; spontaneously, out of nowhere? I have the faintest clue. The sad part is that I know I have the potential to do well at everything I try, but I lack faith to take the leap. What people fail to acknowledge, is the tandem of needing to do everything perfectly and subsequently putting things off until the last minute. They are directly correlated, and come in a power duo. Perhaps I have found the cause, the root of my malady. Why would anybody want to willingly face their own scrutiny? I hate the aftermath of my OCD towards anything I "finish", the days of insecurity that come in the wake of a finished project, the lack of reward and fulfillment to make it feel worth the work, as well as the mindset to keep improving. It is an uphill climb with the promise of a mounted flag and an overtaking sense of accomplishment, but in reality, is only followed by falling off the edge after reaching the top. There is a wretched voice that tells me what I do will never be enough because I live my life by comparison. I know that I have talked about the hidden value of perfectionism; how it helps me excel and improve the work I output. However, it is a two-headed beast. At the very least, I have my incessant need to satisfy, as well as my avoidance of negative confrontation, which keeps me on track with finishing my work. I worry about what will happen when those incentives become extinct. All of my accomplishments thus far in life have been the product of requisite encouragement. Am I yet to face my downfall? Going into college, I wonder If I will finally find my bearings or if it will be a continuation of disappointment. So that is the truth; everything I do feels awful in the end. Therefore I just don't do it, or I minimize my time effectively. I will always wait until the last minute, finish my projects the hours before they're due, and that way I won't have the affordance to correct every detail. I still feel the discontent, especially the insecurity. But, it is the easy route of fueling off of instinctual adrenaline rather than personal drive. Still, I worry that I will hate myself more if I try and can't succeed my vision, thereby losing any morsels of ego that I have somehow clung onto, or get my expectations too high to where I will feel the hurt of the fall. After all, my expectations are essentially perfection. End-notes:
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AuthorMy name is Quinn Peterson! I will be reflecting about my art work in this blog! Archives
May 2022
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